God dammit, Wilfred! Why can’t you be called Billfred!
I guess today is one of those days where I feel like just typing.
David went out and got a different job that requires him to work until midnight every weekday. It’s a
big huge change from going to bed right next to him and seeing his face every morning and night, to not.. I don’t feel like it’s put any strain on our relationship yet, but it’s only a week in so far. But what a week it’s been. I’ve stopped counting the days where I don’t get to see him. It’s like a common occurrence to me now. There are days where I wish with my whole being that I could get to see him, but I’m almost always tired before he even gets home. Even now, I’m waiting for him to get home and I’m exhausted.
School is physically and mentally draining. I really don’t understand how I’ve done this for five years. I should have quit after the first year; it’s a complete and total waste of money. I’m only taking 3 classes, but I feel like I’m still doing 5 classes worth of work. I’m not looking forward to taking 2 or 3 art classes at the same time. I still love the feeling that all the teachers think that you don’t have a life outside of their classrooms, when, in reality. you do..and it’s with three other teachers who think the same thing. I should be doing a victory lap because I’m graduating in the fall of ‘14 (6 years after I graduated high school, mind you.), but instead, I’m covered in ink and the skin is rotting off my hands due to chemicals I come into contact every damn day due to Lithography and Silkscreen.
Can I just rant about how I’m graduating in a year? I feel like I should be relieved and that I have the whole world at my feet..but I feel the exact opposite. The world is huge and scary, and I’m about to go out into it. I have no plans, no back up plans, and no free time to think of such. I’m going to have to thrust myself out into the world, or be forced to work at kroger forever just because I don’t like change. I feel like a bald baby bird who hasn’t quite figured out what my arms are for and tomorrow is d-day; momma bird is gonna toss me out of the nest to see if I can fly. I think I royally fucked myself by having all these tattoos. David says that my field is more accepting of the way I look. I don’t have the heart to tell him that after art school, I probably won’t continue with art. Art school has beat me down, completely. I’m too timid for this shit, and I don’t have time to turn around and say “I don’t want to do this anymore”. Sometimes I feel like a good photographer with room to grow, but I really don’t get feedback. When I do, I think it’s just because they’re trying to be nice..only because I’m doing them a favor.
But the truth is, I’m happy behind the camera. Sometimes I feel like it’s an extension of my soul. I just don’t break it out very much because I have no free time, and when I do, I feel like sleeping.
Anyways, I’ve wasted enough time.
So, since I’ve started school again, there was this delay in getting these photos done. I’m really grateful that I got this opportunity to take a shot at Senior Photos, and that my subject was someone I knew. Gary was a trooper throughout the process no matter how ridiculous my demands got. For once, I felt in a comfort zone that I really missed..and that’s right behind my camera lens.